


Please

by spookyscaryaliens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional, F/M, Fear, Hurt, Jealousy, Regret, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, edit: after some consideration I have decided to not take this down, lonely, no comfort, relationships, so read up while you can kiddos, this will probably be taken down soon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyscaryaliens/pseuds/spookyscaryaliens
Summary: Alex needs John. Alex cares about John. Alex wonders if John needs him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao I thought of this late at night so sorry if it's shitty I'll most likely delete this soon  
> Edit: or not. thank you Midnightreader for making me reconsider <3

     Alex shut his eyes as he turned his phone back off. John said he was going to shower. Usually, Alex would get a text a few minutes later saying "i'm back". Not this time. Not as of late. Alex hoped it was nothing. He hoped that John just forgot. Again. It had been like this for a while. Ever since John had started dating the girl in his civil rights class, Martha.

     Alex didn't have a problem with Martha. Alex was glad, even, that John met Martha. She was beautiful, so he'd been told. Her hands were small and soft, perfect for John to hold. She was shorter than him, perfect for him to cuddle. She was soft and warm, perfect for him to kiss. And she made him happy. Alex nearly scoffed at that. Martha seemed to do what Alex couldn't: make John happy. That was all he wanted for John.

     He turned his phone back on again to see no notifications. No John. Alex sighed. He knew this would happen. It would happen just like it did when Burr met Theo. The rambling about how perfect she is. The less and less frequent texts. Only coming to Alex when they were feeling emotionally unstable or something bad happened. Alex knew what would happen next. Rare if not non existent texts. No face to face communication. John would slowly but surely slip away from Alex as he began to care for Martha more and more. And for Alex less and less.

     Alex knew he sounded like the jealous best friend. He knew. He wished he wasn't. He knew that John still cared about him, John assures him that. But Alex can't help but wonder how long that will hold true. Hell, most of the time when John talks to Alex it's "hi sorry i didnt respond i was with martha. im really tired though, im gonna go to bed."  
And Alex would always respond with an "It's okay, goodnight. Love you."

     Because it was true. Alex did love John. Not in a romantic way, but it was still love. At one point, Alex wondered if John would become too reliant on him. But now he sees that that is clearly not the case. That Alex is most likely too reliant on John. Since Burr left, John had really been the only one for Alex to cling to. Sure, Alex had Laf, Herc, Eliza, Peggy, and Angie. Sure, Alex knew they probably cared about him. And sure, Alex knew that he was probably overreacting. But Alex was lonely. He missed John. He noticed John's comforting messages growing shorter and shorter when Alex would message him in a panic.

     Maybe that was Alex's fault. Alex had always feared that he was too much for John. Maybe being with Martha allowed John to realize that, too. That John thought Alex was just a parasite. A needy, lonely boy with no one to talk to. Maybe he got sick of Alex's lack of self preservation. How he would borderline starve or dehydrate himself because food and water were "boring" or "made him sick".

     Alex did that, one, because the previous statements were true, and two, he needed to know that _someone_ cared. That _someone_ cared enough to try and stop him from being self destructive. Alex knew that's a shitty thing to do. It's manipulative and evil and honestly, Alex doesn't know why he's still alive anymore.

     Everyone is sick of him. He can tell. Burr got sick of him. John is sick of him. And honestly, what else does he have? That's why Alex is here now, desperately checking his phone time and time again as he throws himself into another self destructive streak. He's been working for hours. His heart is beating too fast and too hard and there's a knot in his stomach that he can't get rid of. He needs to work. He needs to forget and to work until he feels okay or nothing at all. He needs to fix everything that's wrong, even if he knows he can't. Alex opened his conversation with John. _Seen_. Alex knew what was happening. He shut his phone off. John doesn't care. He threw himself into his work, and he didn't look back.


End file.
